TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally away from location. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Indeed, positive, let us have A further area the place American Adult males can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer Everybody a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms Trump Tower Damascus installed in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It really is that he must end utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the task, replied, "You know, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from House, a characteristic remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after getting the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Features


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by friends might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "the place's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting focus from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD might have switch-down service."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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